Monday, August 23, 2004

I don't usually enjoy weddings. As the families march to the chupah, I always think Look at them: a new beginning. A clean slate. How sweet before my thoughts spiral into sour areas. I begin to remember that my own life is no clean slate, with a beginning that belongs to the ever-fading past.

No misunderstandings, please: I'm happily married, and in my early thirties. I do not want a do-over, not at all. All the major decisions were, bh, the right call. Still, it's hard to look at people about to begin their lives, without some jealousy. It's normal to envy people about to begin something new and exciting and wonderful. So much opportunity in front of them...

In Hebrew, a new couple is the zug hatori, the fresh pair. Doesn't that say it all?

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I had some other thoughts last night, aside from these self-pitying reflections. I may not have chosen to share them, but so many other bloggers have recently registered complaints about weddings, so I feel almost compelled to to pile on. Here, then, is the baynonim list of wedding picques.

Candles: Why do the parents of the bride and groom carry them down the aisle at many weddings? The ceremony is usually conducted indoors, and, anyway, electricity has been invented. Is there a religious reason for this practice? MoChassid, says yes, but I am waiting for the details. So far as I know, there is none. The caterer uses modern methods to prepare the food. The band certainly uses electricity. Too much of it, in fact. So why is the quaint custom of carrying candles kept alive?

Overcoats look very strange on a groom when the weather gets warm. Were shtetle weddings always held in the dead of winter? What is the source for this unusual practice?

Kittels My grandfather, zl, said little, but when he opened his mouth he was always right. He insisted that the custom of wearing a kittel, goes hand-in-hand with ashes: a groom who chooses to wear a kittel (and not all of them do; it isn't required) must put ashes on his forehead. Otherwise, he's just showing off. I've never checked the sources, but I trust Grandpa. We see the kittels. Where are the ashes?

Incompetent caterers: At one wedding, the bride set off the burglar alarm when she ventured near the aron kadosh during her 7 circuits; at another a phone in the next room rang ceaselessly during the ceremony; at a third, accumulated snow caved-in the skylight above the chupa. The zug hatori got soaked. Details, people.

Singers who won't coordinate: A friend of the couple, usually, is chosen to sing the two boruch habas and, perhaps, an im eshkochach too Does the singer/friend ever meet with the band beforehand to discuss pacing and keys? Does he even let the band know the tune he'll use? No. Of course not. He just gets up and starts to sing; after a few chords the band picks it up and fills in a few weak background notes. How hard would it be to do it right? How hard could it be to make it look as if this wedding element was given some thought?

Mindnumbing conformity Every wedding looks the same. Same music. Same flowers. Same flourishes. Same shtick. It doesn't have to be this way. A wedding is one religious forum - perhaps the only religious forum - where your own creativity is welcome. No dictate requires you to make a wedding that looks, smells, sounds and tastes like every other wedding. You could, for example, ask friends to hold the chupa. You could have a toast, or play klezmer music. Nothing forces you to enter to, "Introducing for the very first time..." It's your wedding; there's no obligation to throw a copycat bash.The non-Jews know this. Their weddings are personalized with themes, and favors and so on. They choose the music with care and precision. Why can't we do the same? If this suggestion horrifies you, please recall that the white dress and the procession down the aisle aren't inherently Jewish; both ideas were borrowed. Other elements, like the circuits and the glass-breaking, not to mention the candle and the overcoat, were invented. So why has the borrowing stopped? Why has the inventing ended? Note: Fried salami and hotdogs at the shmorg do not count, though I do get a chuckle at Jews in formal wear (be it beckesha or tux) snorting franks.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

At the wedding I attended last night, I carried these dispiriting thoughts for only a few minutes. Then the band began to play, and we rose to welcome two more who had been wed k'daas moshe v'yisroel. The bad thoughts vanished, and I lost myself in the vertiginous mass of celebrating Jews.

Comments:

There is a mekor for the candles. It's a very holy thing. I will get back to you on it with the details.

At our son's wedding, we had the chupah singers coordinate with the band during the shmorg. Also, we had them sing accompanied only by accoustic guitar. Not only was it a cleaner soound, it cut down drastically on the chances for non-coordination.  

I once went to the wedding of two 19-year-old baalei teshuva. Neither they nor their parents had ever been to an Orthodox wedding before. The rabbi had, of course, explained to them the halachic ins and outs of the ceremony, but they had no reference points for anything else.

After the bedekin, the chattan stood there whispering with the bride for about 30 minutes while the guests went to the chuppah room, because there was no assumption that it would be a hit-and-run bedekin. They came down the aisle as Pachelbel's Canon played. No one came down the aisle other than them and their parents. Their friends held the chuppah poles. They had a dairy bagel-and-fish buffet on a Sunday morning. The band played klezmer music. And at no point did the bride disappear to the groom's side for shtick, leaving the female guests with nothing to do.

It was one of the best weddings I've ever attended. Very refreshing.  

When my time comes, I hope I can convince the AC and the mechutanim to skip the shmorg. Such a waste of food and money. Such a glorification of the material. I want to pass hors d'oeruvres, in front of an open bar, and that's it. No carving stations. No chicken prepared 17 different ways. No caviar. And for god sakes no hotdogs, shwarma or grilled salami.  

Adam,
I'm not exactly poster boy for misrad haklitah but I gotta tell you that ashes, low key shmorg, no procession, friends holding the chuppah are pretty much the norm in these parts. The brides do tend to wear white, though.  

What can I say, Ben? Tri-state area Judaism needs an aliya. Our weddings our loud, expensive, wasteful and boring.  

Adam- y'want an open bar and passed hors d'oeuvres in place of a shmorg? Sounds like a Chicago wedding!  

“Simcha inflation” is a serious problem in current Jewish life, in all denominations. Wedding parties spend literally thousands for flowers alone.

I feel a lot more comfortable seeing celebrants spend more on tzedakah and less on a party. I’d like to encourage anyone celebrating a simcha to make a donation to Mazon, a Jewish Response to Hunger (http://www.mazon.org/, (National Office1990 S. Bundy Dr., Ste. 260, Los Angeles, CA 90025-5232, phone 310-442-0020, fax 310-442-0030, mazonmail@mazon.org), or any other Jewish and/or secular charity of your choice.

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I went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago which was held in the groom's parents' back yard. This was in no way a cheap wedding, however the food was served as a buffet and guests just sat themselves down at random tables / chairs. It was lovely!  

I must agree with Ben. Come to a wedding in Israel, Adam. God willing, I'll invite you to mine :) Here we generally have ashes, no procession, no separate seating at the chuppah (or seating at all), not much of a shmorg, no overcoats, no candles. Also, minhag yerushalayim solves my personal wedding peeve. How can the eidim sign the ketubah BEFORE the wedding has taken place? ie--during the chattan's tisch. Seems a little premature, I would say. But in Jerusalem they sign the ketubah under the chuppah, after the ring has been given.
Also, at one very holy wedding I was at recently, they sang Im Eshkacheich and broke the glass at this point as well, then went on to sing the 7 brachot. The logic being that the moment the ring is exchanged is the point of marriage, hence the time to remember Yerushalayim, and after that was done we could sing the 7 brachot with joy instead of solemnity!

Noa in jerusalem  

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